Sometimes we try so hard to be good parents and we forget to be a good husband or wife. Recently, I sat in a room with several parents and the only husband and male at the table stopped us women in mid-thought as we vented about our husbands. This dad just didn’t understand why we women would complain about our spouses so freely, while the rest of us chimed in with words or nods of agreement. He told us that men just don’t complain about their wives publicly. If they do, they usually preface their comments with lots of compliments beforehand.
While, we sat there, I couldn’t help but think about my own sweet husband and all the other wonderful dads I knew who are strong, supportive fathers, who care for their kids and are in tune with their needs. While these dads exist, I also thought about how some of these same dads may be great dads, but may not be as attentive to the needs of their own spouse. This isn’t always the case, but sometimes it is and it is a real concern. The pain from thinking your spouse loves the kids more than you is real too. Hence, it is tremendously important to keep the swing, sass and sexy continually flowing within your marriage.
I’m sure the article, My Husband Is the Perfect Dad — and It Almost Killed Our Marriage will resonate in the lives of many moms who have husbands who are great dads but seem to not have time for them. Sometimes, we as parents long for the closeness that we shared with our spouse before we had to share the person with our kids. It’s not uncommon for us to have this reaction. but instead of venting about unhappiness, I challenge parents to think deeper and see their spouses desire to please them by being an extra attentive parent.
Let me clarify exactly what I am saying. By all means, men we love to see our husbands engaged with active parenting. In fact, it’s a joy to see. I am not suggesting that super dads stop being super to their kids. No, rather I am encouraging both husbands and wives to balance their time to include each other.
In many cases, the spouse is not aware that their great parent relationship between parent and child is causing their marriage to dwindle. Instead of bursting at the seams in anger, consider viewing your spouses actions as an expression of love and if you aren’t getting the attention you crave in your relationship be clear about your feelings. Be honest about the changes you have noticed, but most importantly have a plan of action of how you intend to make the make the situation better. Too often couples bring up issues only to be irate and agitated, with no solutions that end up with the other person having an aching heart that is in pain.
Don’t know how or where to start the conversation? Begin with positive affirmation.
Set clear goals! Remember, goals are dreams with real plans that you aim to achieve. Every relationship and marriage needs clear goals, not just our hopes to parent well.
7 questions to help access your relationship and create a conversation of reassurance and strength
- Write down what love is to you. How does it look? How does it feel? How are you expressing love now in your relationship?
- Write down what you need to feel desired, wanted, and sexy? (Don’t be shy, be truthful!)
- Write down what you admire most about your spouse?
- Write what his/her most desirable feature is.
- Write what your spouse does that makes you smile with joy.
- Write 3 ways that your spouse can show you they love you. (Be specific.)
- Lastly, write out when you are available to spend uninterrupted time together, without the kids just the two of you, getting to know each other.
Sometimes we need help being able to focus on the positive. Use these writing prompts to discover what relationship needs exists in your life. I love how Jamie and her husband reversed their failing marriage by adding a date night, making intimacy a priority, and spending 30 of uninterrupted time to talk each day. Don’t wait until problems within your marriage are so huge you only want to leave, start making changes now that will matter for a lifetime.
Reader Response: Our children need all of us. How do you find balance within parenting?
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